Return of the Mach(iavelli)
Here’s one that might stretch your memory-buds a little – who recalls a shortlived show from the early-to-mid-nineties called Profit? It ran on Sky One for most of its first season (apparently the last two episodes of Season 1 were never aired), and followed the Machiavellian adventures of a Gordon Gecko-esque corporate mastermind called Jim Profit (played by a callow Adrian Pasdar, who would later appear in Heroes) as he set about taking down a multinational corporation (which had ruined his family) from the inside via an intricate set of devious and dastardly plots. It was quite good fun as he manipulated his coworkers into systematically eliminating each other while he calmly pulled the strings from the background. The acting wasn’t great, the sub-Lawnmower Man “cutting edge” VR wizardry looks laughable now, and the plotlines were outrageous, but it was damn good fun. Never did find out if he achieved his goal, but I’m sure you can find out in the t’interweb somewhere.
Anyway, the thing that sticks in my mind about the show was the trailer for it. It began with a close-up on a spider, weaving a web. Then, voiceover from Pasdar: “Ahh yes, the spider – one of nature’s greatest predators. Carefully fixing each strand in place, bit by bit with exquisite precision, to form an almost inescapable trap for its prey”. Then, the camera pans out and upwards to reveal Profit, observing the creature, foot (clad in expensive-looking shoes) hovering above the web. Squish. “Amateur”. Looks at camera.
Fantastic ad, but the reason it stayed with me is this – I know somebody who, in all seriousness, is as megalomaniacal as the Profit character. The inimitable Roberto Paolo Martella, investment banker and lifelong Sampdoria fan – every time I see/talk to/think of Martella, I see that trailer replayed in my mind.
Now, I know most of you (who have never met Bert) will be scoffing at this, but let me offer two brief examples of his magnificent lunacy. The first one dates back to school – one of the lads (Del, I suspect) had asked him if it ever bothered him that people said/though he was strange. His reply reveals much about the man’s then-emergin mindset: “Fennell, when you walk through a field full of rabbits, do you care what the rabbits think of you?”
The second classic bit of Martella gold was recorded while on holiday in Vasto. While quaffing cocktails near the beach, he offered all assembled this gem of advice – “Lads, if you’re ever having children, you must always, ALWAYS try to make sure that the woman you have them with is less intelligent than you.” And the reason? “You see, intelligence appears to be inherited from the mother’s side, so if your children are more intelligent than you, then when they grow up, they’ll be smart enough to overthrow you.”
The man fears that his offspring may overthrow him – surely grounds for a diagnosis of megalomania. I recall my exact response to that particular insight. Desperately trying to suppress the caipiroska alla fragolla from escaping via my nose, all I could splutter was “Martella, don’t ever change.”
I’ll assume he hasn’t.
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I remember how, outside the legendary 32A, 5X had Martella on the ground, ready to dish some cinder block justice.
“I can end you now Martella, once and for all!”
Luckily for Bert, 5X inched back from the precipice.
In other news, the site’s looking much better sir. Really coming along.
Thanks Tony, stories involving Martella are always good value. Tremendously entertaining fellow, God alone only knows what he’s up to at the moment